I woke up today and immediately, tears ran down my cheeks.
Another day, another day alive.
Another year on this godforsaken planet, wandering and lost.

I survived another year, and everyone around me celebrating another year
of life, of opportunities, and it just seems like I’m just drowning in everyone
else’s success, in everyone else’s rewards and I’m happy for them.

I’m not comparing or jealous, you see, I just wish I knew why I’m here.
I just wish I had a reason to wake up and enjoy being a cog in this ruthless
machine of capitalism and be okay with just living.

I have loved ones, I just don’t feel like I bring any value to their lives. Yet here I am saying all this, but not knowing exactly what “value” means. Other than existing in their life, what exactly do I bring other than love? Is that enough?

The internet says I’m experiencing a “burnout”, but I’ve felt this my whole life. Ever since I could remember, I’ve lived my life living for others, to inspire, to be benefited from, to be taken advantage of.

I’m trying to live for me now, but it feels too late. My debt catching up to me, finally taking responsibility for my bad karma and my mother’s trauma, facing my demons and my sanity slowly slipping away from me.

I’m losing sight of reality every day and no matter how loud I scream, I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel like anyone is listening. I feel like no matter how many times I translate my thoughts, they’re still foreign to every one else who’s trying to peer into my mind and I can’t find any relief.

I just don’t feel understood and I hate that the lingering voices in my mind are conspiring to end us. They get louder every day and it’s scaring me so much, but listen don’t tell anyone because you’ll get admitted to the psych ward again.

It’s lonely and yet it’s so loud in my mind because not only is it filled with critics resembling everyone who’s ever doubted me, there lies the remnants of myself, still trying to protect me, when really the only thing dangerous around me, is myself.

I don’t want to hurt people or anyone, I just want to be free. I just want it to be quiet for once. I just want serenity and I’m fighting so hard every moment just to be at peace and it’s so exhausting. I’m tired, my god, I am absolutely fatigued.

I don’t have the energy to argue or even to just exist. I’m at the point were I’m starting to just let the voices take their turn and I worry that at some point, I won’t be in control anymore and I’ll just be completely lost in my mind.

Maybe it won’t be so bad.